


baby, let's go home

by fortunedays



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: F/F, also probably doesn't follow the correct timeline, okay this is angsty but with a hopeful ending, will? what's a will we don't know him
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-11
Updated: 2017-09-11
Packaged: 2018-12-26 15:15:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12061605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fortunedays/pseuds/fortunedays
Summary: They fall in love in pieces; too little, too late.





	baby, let's go home

She's watching them from her office, through the cracks in the blinds. They're all leaving for the evening, together. Spencer had invited her to join them for drinks. They had just closed a big case, after all; it was worth celebrating. Her eyes had drifted to the empty desk in the bullpen, and she quietly declined. He had looked at her softly, reading her in the way only he could. She knew he understood. As she watches, Spencer glances to her office, and then to the empty desk. Someone must have asked about her. His response must be satisfactory, because the team leaves shortly after. JJ sighs, leaning back in her chair.

She knows Spencer understands why she wants to avoid the team. Emily's absence is burning a hole in all of them, him especially. But it's not just an emptiness for JJ - it's an aching, crushing pain that she cannot explain. Except to Spencer, because he doesn't even have to ask.

Spencer understands, because he already knows _why_.

 

* * *

 

JJ figures she should've seen it coming. They were both profilers; if they had been looking, it would've been easy to spot. But they hadn't been looking.

Not until Emily died. Not until Emily got on that plane, alone, and Hotch told JJ she'd never see Emily again.

It hurt more than JJ had expected. Within forty-eight hours, she had watched Emily die, resurrect, join witness protection, and leave the country, all with only a desperate hug and a _Don't forget I love you, Jayje_ as a goodbye. And now she's left here, alone in her office at nine p.m., thinking that all this might be easier if she didn't know. If Hotch hadn't told her that Emily survived, if he hadn't let her say goodbye. Maybe he thought it would give JJ the closure he never got. Whatever the reason, it doesn't stop her from missing Emily.

Emily. The woman she... _loves_.

The word leaves a bitter taste in her mouth.

 

* * *

 

It wasn't always so complicated.

In the beginning, JJ barely knew Emily. They were coworkers, sure, but JJ was more of a quiet recluse compared to Emily's badass, gun-toting agent. Despite their differences, they became fast friends, which JJ took as a blessing in a life filled with shallow relationships with people she didn't have the time to get to know. And with a job like theirs, it was comforting to have someone by her side that knew exactly what she saw every day, and how to help.

She can pinpoint the day it started.

They were on their way home from a case in Arizona. The team had been on the case for nearly a week, and none of them had gotten a decent amount of sleep since they arrived. The whole team was asleep - even Hotch - except for JJ. She had tried, but the images of the dead kids they had kept finding in the desert hovered in the darkness behind her eyelids. She shuffled to the rear of the cabin to make herself some more coffee, and was so lost in her thoughts that she didn't notice Emily stirring on the couch. When she turned to go back to her seat, she jumped at the sight of Emily watching her.

"You alright, JJ?" Emily asked softly. "You look like a wreck."

"Thanks," JJ said with a wry smile. Sighing, she shrugged. "I dunno, Emily, this case just...got to me, for some reason. Seeing all those kids..."

"It's never easy," Emily whispered.

JJ mumbled a quiet, "Yeah."

A few moments passed in comfortable silence, as JJ drank her coffee and Emily rubbed the residual sleep from her eyes. When JJ moved to go back to her seat, Emily held out her hand. JJ frowned.

"Come sit with me, Jayje." JJ opened her mouth to argue, and Emily pouted. "Please? C'mon, you look exhausted."

"Okay," JJ sighed. She left her coffee on the table and collapsed beside Emily, who wrapped a protective arm around her shoulders. She relaxed in Emily's warm hold.

"Just try to sleep. I'll be right here."

And JJ had slept, deeply and dreamlessly, for the first time in many nights. When she woke, the jet was landing, and Emily was stirring beside her. JJ had whispered a quiet thank you and gathered her belongings, wishing more than anything that she could stay wrapped in Emily's arms forever.

She was relieved every time it happened again. Hard cases led to sleepless flights, which led to JJ and Emily opening their arms to each other. And with each recurrence, it was harder for JJ to leave, and harder for Emily to let her go.

 

* * *

 

The more time JJ spent with Emily, the closer they got. On nights where they needed a shoulder to cry on or arms to hold them from the nightmares, they were the other's first call. JJ soon knew Emily's apartment as well as, if not better, than her own.

In the office and in front of others, however, their affection was stifled. They avoided getting caught snuggling on the jet, and saved their hugs and gentle touches for when they were alone. It was safer, JJ thought. If no one else could see what was happening, maybe she could pretend not to see it either.

And then Garcia got shot.

Garcia was bleeding out somewhere in that blinding white hospital, alone, and everyone seemed like they were falling apart. Spencer was shaking, attempting to hold in his tears; Hotch was fearfully uncertain; Derek was missing; and JJ was frozen in fear, tears glued to her cheeks. Emily, looking brave as ever, had finally cracked, and sat beside JJ. Slowly, Emily had reached her hand across the chasm between them and taken JJ's hand in hers.

JJ could see the tears shimmering in Emily's dark eyes, and had held her hand back as confidently as she could.

When they were told that Garcia was going to live, JJ had rushed to Spencer first, making sure he was okay. But when she herself sought reassurance in another's presence, she turned back to Emily. Emily, who was waiting beside Rossi, a gentle smile on her face. They collapsed into each other without hesitation, as if by holding each other they could stay whole.

It was in this moment that JJ knew that there was no turning back.

As the following weeks faded into months, JJ was spending more time with Emily than without her. No one seemed to notice except for Garcia - when all the attention was on her, she had placed her attention on JJ. But her insistences that she and Emily were just friends seemed to placate Garcia, even if JJ was sure they hadn't convinced her.

It was a surprise to her when, hardly four months ago, Spencer had asked too.

They were on a case, and Hotch and sent JJ and Spencer to the local police station. He had been sitting quietly beside her, pouring over their preliminary case files, chiming in with directions every few minutes. JJ had allowed her mind to wander to Emily. She had begun to think that what she felt for her dark-haired friend went beyond normal friendship, but thinking about it for too long stressed her out. So entranced was she in her thoughts that she hadn't noticed Spencer staring at her until he cleared his throat.

"Sorry," she mumbled, catching his eye as she pulled up to a red light. "What's up, did you find something in the file?"

"No. I wanted to ask you something, actually." His voice, though apprehensive, didn't waver.

Frowning, JJ said, "Ask away."

"What's going on between you and Emily?" She whirled to look at him and opened her mouth to retort, but he interrupted. "Look, JJ, you know I know you better than almost anyone. I'm also a profiler, so this shouldn't be that surprising. The two of you have been growing closer for years, and it's obvious now. I'm just curious."

She ignored him under the pretense of navigating a rather nasty traffic circle, but her mind was whirling. It was one thing for permanently-optimistic Garcia to think that there was something between her and Emily, but Spencer? He wouldn't know romance if it hit him right in the face. But JJ couldn't deny that she too had been contemplating the option of there being something more...

"We're just friends, Spence."

He looked dubiously at her. "JJ, you practically spend all of your time with her outside of the office. Neither of you are super affectionate except with each other. Not to mention that you light up every time you see her."

"I do not!" she retorted, despite knowing that this was likely true.

"I'm just saying," he said emphatically, "maybe you and Emily should talk about it. I want you to be happy, JJ. Both of you. And I think you could make each other very happy." He went back to perusing the files, as if he hadn't just put JJ face to face with her most private, feared thoughts.

It had haunted her until two weeks previous, when she and Emily had been sharing a hotel room on a case. They skirted easily around each other, setting case files here and coffee mugs there, dressing for bed in an easy rhythm that JJ had never had with anyone else. It was late, nearing midnight, when they finally had the lights out and attempted to find sleep. Based on the amount of tossing and turning that Emily was doing beside her, JJ assumed that her friend's mind was as occupied as her own.

"Jayje?" Emily's voice was quiet, and, if JJ wasn't making it up, nervous.

"Yeah Em?" JJ shifted so she was facing Emily, her features outlined in the blue glow from the window.

Emily exhaled deeply, gazing at JJ. "Do you ever think about falling in love?"

Caught off guard, JJ frowned. "I, um, yeah I guess so. Why?"

The sheets rustled as Emily shrugged. "I guess just...in this job, this life, it's so hard to think of having someone steady, you know? Someone that will love you through everything and always be there when you come home."

"The right person will always wait for you."

"Yeah." Minutes ticked by but Emily stayed quiet, and JJ blanked on how to fill the silence. Just as JJ thought she might fall asleep, Emily spoke again. "Maybe they'd go with you, though. If they loved you enough."

JJ opened her eyes to see Emily watching her with melancholy eyes. Cautiously, she reached across the sheets and took Emily's hand in her own. "Maybe they'd never leave."

"What if they didn't have a choice?" At this, Emily dropped her gaze. JJ's heart ached.

"If I loved someone," she whispered, "if I loved them more than anything in the world, and they had to leave me, I'd follow them."

Emily looked at her then, staring into her eyes as if she could see right to JJ's soul; as if, more than anything, she needed to know that JJ was telling the truth. "How far?"

"As far as they went, I'd go."

Emily went quiet again; her only movement was to rub her thumb gently across JJ's hand. JJ could feel sleep calling her again, and she closed her eyes, reveling in Emily's warm touch.

As JJ's breaths evened out, Emily whispered, "I'd follow you too."

 

* * *

 

It seemed, for a moment, that perhaps they would be okay. They finished the case, they were coming home, and they could talk things over.

But Emily wasn't safe. Never, never safe. Too many skeletons in the closet, too many ghosts of old cases that were painfully, terrifyingly real.

JJ remembers the accident in vivid detail.

She had watched Emily get into her car, she had hugged her goodbye just moments before. They were going to meet up that night and talk about what they'd said at the hotel.

But Hotch had called JJ's name, and JJ had turned her back on Emily. And the next thing she knew, Emily's car was in flames, and she was screaming. Hotch had tried to grab her, but JJ's fear was stronger than his arms. She had run to Emily, lying still on the pavement.

Emily, coat scorched, face bloody.

Emily, not moving.

Emily, with whom JJ was going to start _something_.

JJ shook Emily helplessly, her screams burning her lungs more than the smoke. She had begun to cry by the time Hotch reached her, his voice frustratingly calm as he pried JJ away.

She remembers the rest in pieces.

An ambulance took Emily away, and Hotch gave JJ to Derek. Somehow, the team reached the hospital. Everyone seemed frozen, shocked, as JJ paced back and forth. Whenever she stopped, she cried.

The doctor found them, hours, maybe days, later. Spencer covered his face with his hands. Derek wrapped Garcia in his arms, while she shook with tears. Rossi sat still, gazing into nothing. Hotch stayed silent, and watched.

Watched as JJ, brought to a halt, collapsed to her knees, and sobbed.

She had cried the whole night, although most of it is still a blur. She had gone to the funeral three days later, but she can't recall much of that either.

What she does remember is the day after the funeral, when Hotch brought her to one of the safe houses, and told her the gut-wrenching truth. Where she had seen Emily, alive and breathing, and had gotten to say her rushed goodbye. The goodbye that left her wanting so much more.

Namely, Emily.

 

* * *

 

The office does nothing but depress JJ further, and she's home and in pajamas by ten-thirty. Her phone background, a goofy picture of her and Emily, taunts her from the table. She can't help but stare at it, however. Leaning against her headboard, she allows herself to think of what Emily had told her that night.

_Maybe they'd go with you, though. If they loved you enough._

_I do_ , JJ thinks desperately. _I do love you._

She can see Emily, her eyes desperate and sad, asking, _how far?_

It had been so easy, in the dark, to promise she would follow Emily to the ends of the earth and beyond. JJ hadn't known it then that she had been promising, but she did, and now Emily was gone.

 _How far?_  
  
_As far as they went, I'd go._

Grabbing her phone, JJ pulls up the number she has saved with no name. It's foreign, empty. Her breath catches; this is everything she wants and everything she's terrified of, all at once. She presses call, and listens to it ring.

"Hello?"

For a second, JJ can barely breathe. "Where are you?"

"JJ, you know I'm not allowed-"

"I promised, Emily. As far as you go, I go."

For a minute, all JJ can hear is the static of Emily's breaths. When Emily speaks, JJ can hear her smile.

"Meet me in Paris?"

JJ smiles for the first time in days, her heart swelling. _Maybe we can make it after all._

"Always."


End file.
